all things blurt!

Abstract Magazine #6, 1985

The most obvious way to start a Ted Milton interview is with his legendary tales, albeit about himself.

"Another job I had was in a Wimpy Bar. I was the, as they like to call it, chef in the Wimpy Bar and that was amazing. It was somewhere down near Russell Square. It was allowed to eat anything I liked, but I never could eat a single thing when I was there but immediately I left the premises I was consumed by raging hunger. I got around this by inviting friends to come to the Wimpy Bar and giving them what I consider to be my meals, but after 10 days the manager said to me that I actually had to pay for those meals that I'd given away. He had them all written down and I completely flipped out and realized I had to get out of there and get the sack as well; otherwise I wouldn't even get the money for the days I'd worked. So I hot on the idea of painting myself with tomato ketchup, which I squirted all over my face and chef's hat and stuff like that. I stood there and carried on cooking with all this tomato ketchup running of me. There was this bloke called Freddy doing the washing up, a 93 years-old Bolivian or something, he nearly drowned himself laughing and fell into the sink, you know. And so he was cackling away with his head in the sink and the manager came up and was saying: "What? Why? Why? Why have you done this?" and I said: "Because I believe it enhances my appearance, makes me more attractive to the customers"


and he said: "Go; go and change your clothes" and then he came back about half and hour later and I squirted even more on."Ted Milton got the sack from that job

Talking to Ted Milton is like trying to put a pair of pants on a rogue rhino. It can be funny but this man is angry.

Fitly, I try to fit this rhino's pants in Paddington Station's coffee bar. On his way to Europe for 18 dates round and around he could be on a rebound because there were also 21 dates in Germany and the previous 3 weeks had been spent in the good ol' U.S. of A. Seasoned traveler that he is, did he have a good time?

"Nmm, Nmm, N…No! I had an absolutely horrendous time to tell you the truth."

Don't you like Americans?

"That sounds like racism, but it's not really so much racism as anti-Nationalism. The first time I went to America, I was totally infatuated with the American attitude, I saw it as being rally positive and open and enthusing ….enthusiastic and all that sort of stuff. Plus , Plus, Plus! but the last was my fourth visit and it really grated from the word ACTUM!"